Subject: Things (Page 4)

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The advantage of origami is twofold…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Your wife's stored possessions will always be on top of your stored possessions.

His car is so expensive the radiator requires Perrier.

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately; I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

Pictures deface walls oftener than they decorate them.

(1867 – 1959) architect, interior designer, writer & educator

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

This lane ends in 500 feet.

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer