Subject: Time

The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.

A very short one.

(1875 – 1997) French, 120 year old woman

The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.  You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them.  Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve.  No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

American baseball player

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

The length of time it takes a bill to pass through the legislature is in inverse proportion to the number of lobbying groups favoring it.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

(1818 – 1885) humorist & lecturer

There must be one day above all others in each life that is the happiest

Corollary: What if you’ve already had it?

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know… granted, it takes longer.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sex: The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.













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