Subject: Time

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Good punctuation means not to be late.

The shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment one puts a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that emergency.

Up at the crank of dawn.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Nothing is improbable until it moves into past tense.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician

In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

People are still willing to do an honest day's work; the trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

(1899 – 1974) French screenwriter, teacher & journalist

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

(1930 – 1978) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
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