Subject: TV/Movie Quotes

TV/Movie Quotes:

Humorous lines from television, film and fictional characters
                         (click on name for more quotes by that character)

If I wanted you to know what I’m thinking, I’d be talking.

(1946 – ) American actor

Mitch Robbins: What if I can’t?

Barbara: We’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

(1951 – ) American actress & playwright

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Hat check girl: Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!

Maudie: Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Time wounds all heels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You want people to think you live in a pig’s eye?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter

Lou: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.

Ted: Cue cards, Lou. I don’t know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.

Murray: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

(1931 – ) American actor

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Luna: You were screaming out different names in your sleep.

Miles: I was having sexual nightmares.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marge, I’m going to miss you so much; and it’s not just the sex; it’s also the food preparation.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Dad, the odds of me knowing the score to the Mariners game is about the same as you knowing the score to Pacific Overtures.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer

You were 15 before you realized there was a correlation between getting beaten up every day and going to school wearing a Panama hat.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer

Andy: How’s the turnout?

MacElroy: About fifty-fifty. Half are dumb and the other half are dumber.

(1900 – 1974) American actor

Tell ’em we’re all decreased – we went last night in a suicide pact.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

The Bible’s full of wine… God ain’t got nothing against a little drink to celebrate His Son’s birthday with.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Normally, I’m not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work.

(1980 – ) American actor, comedian & musician

Poor Emily. It’s so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you… when most people only die.

(1952 – ) American actress, producer, radio host, & author

It’s irrevelant.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer