Subject: Work

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Generals who can write always make me nervous.

(1921 – ) American newspaper editor

The one time during the day you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks by.

Forever poised between a cliche and an indiscretion.

(1894 – 1986) British prime minister

An actor is the kind of guy who, if you ain't talking about him, ain't listening.

(1910 – 1984) American film producer & publicist

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Archaeologist: A person whose career lies in ruins.

It (a cubicle) basically says, like, 'You know what?… we don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.

The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull.

(1893 – 1971) American statesman & lawyer

Once a man wants to hold a public office, he is absolutely no good for honest work.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Since I didn't want to go round mugging old ladies or robbing banks, I took up boxing.

English boxer

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business… my business.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

Never mistake motion for action.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

If a scientist were to cut his ear off, no one would take it as evidence of a heightened sensibility.

(1915 – 1987) Brazilian/British biologist