Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
View All Authors
Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
(1852 – 1933) Irish writer, poet, art critic & dramatist
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Alva Edison
(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
(1943 – ) American attorney, journalist, writer, reporter & television host
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Quile's Consultation Law
Dinosaurs with Jobs
Theo Nicole Lorenz
Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.
His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.
Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee.
(1905 –1998) American author
The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.
Spare Parts Principle
Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
Anonymous Murphy’s Law
It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
1. You can't get anything without working for it.
2. The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
3. You can only break even at absolute zero.
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse.
All In the Family
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves into a position of power should on no account be allowed to do the job.
(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
I wish I had put ballet shoes on him and not boxing gloves.
After her son Johnny was banned for life for hitting a referee
What’s interesting about sports writers is that they don’t know how to play sports, and a lot of them don’t know how to write.
(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.
Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.
(1879 – 1974) film producer
Page 1 of 25
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com