Subject: Work

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.


I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I’m too lazy to work and too scared to steal.

professional baseball player

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

A consultant is someone you pay a hundred-dollars-an-hour to give you the same advice you ignore from your assistant.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football. And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist Cathy

No man goes before his time… unless the boss leaves early.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Most anybody can be a cowboy, but it takes a damn genius to make money at it.

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large number of people from coughing.

(1902 – 1983) English actor

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. (Example: allocate two days for a one-hour task)

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off, and that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.

stand-up comedian & writer

History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.

(1889 – 1944) English historian

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier

The Hunger Site