Subject: Work » Occupations

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.

(1880 – 1946) American playwright, critic & writer

Those who cannot teach – administrate.

Undertaker: The last guy to let you down.

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large number of people from coughing.

(1902 – 1983) English actor

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Economist: One who takes a lot of unwarranted assumptions and reaches a foregone conclusion.

We are paid to have dirty minds.

(1903 – 1986) American film censor

Judge: Mr. Smith, have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon – the great Bacon – that youth and discretion are ill-wed companions?

Smith: Indeed I have, your Honour; and has your Honour ever heard of a saying by Bacon – the great Bacon – that a much talking Judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal?

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

The schoolteacher is certainly underpaid as a child-minder, but ludicrously overpaid as an educator.

(1929 – 1994) English playwright, screenwriter & actor

Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

(1964 – ) English comedian

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

I'm not an actor, and I enclose met press cuttings to prove it.

(1915 – 1999) American stage, film & television actor

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Dentist: A collector of old magazines.

In a surplus labor economy, the squeaking wheel does not get the grease; it gets replaced.

Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

(1974 – ) American comedian

A pin has as much head as some authors and a good deal more point.

(1802 – 1870) American writer & editor

The relationionship of an agent to a publisher is that of a knife to a throat.

(1927 – ) American Talent & literary agency executive

What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means 'liar.'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright