Author: Ambrose Bierce

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Self-esteem: An erroneous appraisement.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Ignoramus: A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Plagiarize: To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Wedding: A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Man: An animal [whose]… chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Truce: Friendship.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Outdo: To make an enemy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist













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