Author: Ambrose Bierce

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Truce: Friendship.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Cynic: A man who sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Unitarian: One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Novel: A short story padded.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Reparation: Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist