Author: Ambrose Bierce

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Wedding: A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Rear: In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Critic: One who boasts of being “hard to please” because nobody tries to please him. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Rational: Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Discriminate: To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Dawn: 1. The time when men of reason go to bed. 2. When the sun first shines on your hangover.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

War is God's way of teaching us geography.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist













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