Author: Ambrose Bierce

Respirator: An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth… whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The covers of this book are too far apart.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Novel: A short story padded.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Overeat: To dine.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist