Author: Ambrose Bierce

Un-American: Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Wedding: A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Learning: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Man: An animal [whose]… chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Congress: A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Teetotaler: One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Queen: A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Self-evident: Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
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