Author: Ambrose Bierce Page 5

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Man: An animal [whose]… chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Outdo: To make an enemy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The covers of this book are too far apart.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Queen: A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Defame: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Delegation: In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist