Author: Anthony Jeselnik Page 2

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Things

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car; it wasn’t serious – nobody saw me.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Accidents Problems

I think my friend Jeff is gay; I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Miscellaneous

I killed a squirrel once with a car… twice with a tennis racket.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

Donald, I’m not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Insults People

I know her in the biblical sense… and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Beliefs Honesty

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girls Intelligence People Women

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school; I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Insults

Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant; you might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Characteristics Hollywood Places

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends