Author: Arj Barker

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being… and it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist – and worse… she can prove it.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets — unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel… then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor