Author: Bob Hope

Phyllis Diller’s had so many facelifts, there’s nothing left in her shoes.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Don't let her fool you; tangle with her and she`ll shingle your attic.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

If you watch a game, it’s fun; if you play it, it’s recreation; if you work at it, it’s golf.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

It’s hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you’re putting.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem; they're all running for the presidency.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter… he's done nothing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax; he just calls the government and says, 'How much do you boys need?'

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean “your guess is as good as mine.”

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Alan Shepard walking on the moon found a golf ball with Gerald Ford’s initials on it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Surprise me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Carter wants to go to Washington; he'll feel right at home there – he was raised on a nut farm.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
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