Author: Bob Hope Page 4

You can tell he used to be a rancher; he squeezes Republicans like he's milking a cow.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government… why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Taxes

Don't let her fool you; tangle with her and she`ll shingle your attic.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

If he slices the budget like he slices a (golf) ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Government People Sports

He plays just like a union man… he negotiates the final score.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Alcohol Emotions Food/Drink

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Self

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Kids are wonderful… I like mine barbecued.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Children Family

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Marriage

[Dan] Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

At least he can’t cheat on his score because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Film

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Golf Sports

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem; they're all running for the presidency.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government President

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Football Sports

Oscar night at my house is called Passover.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Communication Wordplay

Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Elections/Voting Government

I feel very humble; but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast… if God wants to play through, let him.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
God Golf Sports