Author: Bob Monkhouse

I go to a woman dentist… it a relief to be told to open my mouth instead of shut it.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels; I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

What do you give a florist who is sick?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian; well, they’re not laughing now.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I want to die like my father, quietly, in his sleep – not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I got my start in silent radio.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

What do gardeners do when they retire?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

My wife was fitted with a coil… she used to pick up CB signals.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I can still enjoy sex at 74; I live at 75, so it's no distance.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
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