Author: Bonnie McFarlane

I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Occupations Work

I got a new diaphragm… well, it's new to me.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Things

When one door closes another door opens… usually a refrigerator.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Food/Drink

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Marriage

Never hit a baby… even if they start it.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Miscellaneous

I love my hunting dog… well I loved my hunting dog… I'm not very good at hunting.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Activities Animals Dogs

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch… and I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up; I call it “Lesbian or Midwestern?”

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Appearance People

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior – unless you're Jewish.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Characteristics Religion

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was “I should cut my bangs.”

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Appearance Hair Situations

If you really are superior, you don’t go around saying you’re superior – unless you’re Jewish.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Characteristics

There's no such thing as a feminist – just women who pay for their own breast implants.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
People