Author: Charley Weaver

Peter Marshall: What do most dentists say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed?

Charlie Weaver: Out at the home, we throw them into the center of the room and have a swap party.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.  She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.”  What did she give her children to eat?

Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe?  Filet of sole!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  True or false – rumors circulate in business offices more than any place else.

Charley Weaver: That’s false, Peter, and we’re certainly going to miss you around here!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  Who said, “Richard Nixon was the most difficult man I ever had to paint?”

Charlie Weaver: Earl Scheib. [A company which specialized in repainting automobiles]

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Should you train your very young children on the piano?

Charley Weaver: No, try newspapers.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

Charlie Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Your bird has a temperature of 150 degrees. Will he live?

Charley Weaver: Gee, I hope not. My dinner guests will be here in a couple of minutes.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  Is it possible for you to make a dog laugh?

Charley Weaver:  Well, I tried to housebreak a dog once and he just laughed and laughed.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, can you get anything you’ve always wanted in Heaven, if you didn’t get it on Earth?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but there’s an extra charge for the whitewalls.  

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to an executive report of the Dallas Morning News, is a person ever too old to get his teeth straightened?

Charley Weaver: Well now, that would be my second choice.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  What makes water hard?

Charley Weaver:  Winter.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?

Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but he’s forgotten the secret word. 

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false – when the swallows return to Capistrano, they are probably coming from Argentina.

Charley Weaver: That’s true, and not only did they ruin my car, they blew up my trailer!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  In a recent TV Guide interview, Paul Lynde said that he has been cursed with something all his life.  What?

Charley Weaver: Four letter words! 

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?

Charlie Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: You’re a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?

Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: In the movie Camelot, Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle.  What is the miracle?

Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:  True or false – Lawrence Welk has a fourth grade education.

Charley Weaver:  That’s why he says, “And a one and a two…”

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian













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