Author: Charley Weaver

Peter Marshall: Your bird has a temperature of 150 degrees. Will he live?

Charley Weaver: Gee, I hope not. My dinner guests will be here in a couple of minutes.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  True or false – as you get older, your skin becomes more transparent.

Charley Weaver:  Out at the home in the x-ray room, they just hold us up to a light bulb.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, can you get anything you’ve always wanted in Heaven, if you didn’t get it on Earth?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but there’s an extra charge for the whitewalls.  

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  True or false – Lawrence Welk has a fourth grade education.

Charley Weaver:  That’s why he says, “And a one and a two…”

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but he’s forgotten the secret word. 

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?

Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  What makes water hard?

Charley Weaver:  Winter.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?

Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: In the movie Camelot, Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle.  What is the miracle?

Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  In a recent TV Guide interview, Paul Lynde said that he has been cursed with something all his life.  What?

Charley Weaver: Four letter words! 

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  True or false – drinking can make you hard of hearing.

Charley Weaver:  What?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique.  What is it?

Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  Is it possible for you to make a dog laugh?

Charley Weaver:  Well, I tried to housebreak a dog once and he just laughed and laughed.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: According to an executive report of the Dallas Morning News, is a person ever too old to get his teeth straightened?

Charley Weaver: Well now, that would be my second choice.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  Who said, “Richard Nixon was the most difficult man I ever had to paint?”

Charlie Weaver: Earl Scheib. [A company which specialized in repainting automobiles]

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?

Charlie Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

Charley Weaver: His feet.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  Every night before he went to bed, George Washington would always put his false teeth into something. What?

Charley Weaver: Martha!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?

Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  True or false – rumors circulate in business offices more than any place else.

Charley Weaver: That’s false, Peter, and we’re certainly going to miss you around here!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares