Author: Chelsea Peretti

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

I read somewhere that men’s biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women’s biggest fear is that men will kill them… kind of different stakes that we’re working with.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

If these walls could talk they’d be like ‘damn bitch, you’re back in bed again!?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate that for ten years?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a Fedora or kill 15 people?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

I just think my least favorite part of the vegan diet is the verbal part where they explain it to you… it’s just endless.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

I’ve dated three white rappers; I feel like that’s 98% of white rappers.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

It’s so annoying ‘cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how to I de-dick this delicious treat…?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

There is literally no difference between house parties and haunted houses.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer













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