Author: Dave Barry

The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
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