Author: Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Megahertz: this is a really, really big hertz.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist