Author: Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist













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