Author: Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Megahertz: this is a really, really big hertz.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Boogers Are My Beat

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist













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