Author: Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist