Author: Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses, because they will want to keep playing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist