Author: Dave Barry Page 2
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks,’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist