Author: Dave Barry Page 3
A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist