Author: Dave Barry Page 4
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why?… the answer is one word: versions.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist