Author: Dave Barry Page 5
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Megahertz: this is a really, really big hertz.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses, because they will want to keep playing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist