Author: David Feldman

I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

American comedian & writer

I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal; let me rephrase that – I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

American comedian & writer

Thou shalt not commit adultery; now, you know no guy would have ever dreamed that one up.

American comedian & writer

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer

The difference between Democrats and Republicans?… Democrats remind us that life is unfair, and Republicans make sure it is.

American comedian & writer

If you persecute somebody just because they might look a little different, then you are no better than our country's founding fathers.

American comedian & writer

I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

American comedian & writer

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare with the guns, the gangs, the drugs – and I'm home schooling them.

American comedian & writer

I forgot how expensive this town is; checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.

American comedian & writer

Styrofoam is biodegradable; you people are just impatient.

American comedian & writer

You treat my daughter with respect – you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

American comedian & writer

President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia… but they only earn $3 billion a year; so why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?

American comedian & writer

Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.

American comedian & writer

Many of these guys on death row have done heinous things, but when we as a people sink to their level and execute them, then we’re no better than Republicans.

American comedian & writer













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