Author: Demetri Martin

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
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