Author: Demetri Martin

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”

(1973 – ) American comedian

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian