Author: Demetri Martin

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
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