Author: Demetri Martin

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

I need to develop some patience — immediately.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
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