Author: Demetri Martin

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
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