Author: Demetri Martin

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I need to develop some patience — immediately.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian

‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian













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