Author: Demetri Martin

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said “Guess.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian

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