Author: Demetri Martin

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

(1973 – ) American comedian

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian













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