Author: Demetri Martin

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Help veterans in need with one click. The Veterans Site