Author: Demetri Martin

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian