Author: Demetri Martin

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian

‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian













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