Author: Demetri Martin

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

‘Finger Puppet’ sounds OK as a noun.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said “Guess.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian