Author: Demetri Martin Page 3

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Fights Food/Drink

‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Work

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games People

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink Situations Work

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Things

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Language