Author: Demetri Martin Page 3

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”

(1973 – ) American comedian

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian