Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Demetri Martin Page 3
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing
Situations
Sleep
Things
Pajamas
Pockets
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations
Things
Statues
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos
Situations
Things
I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Things
Treehouse
If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Body
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Games
Checkers
Homosexuals
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Things
Sliding glass doors
My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Things
Garbage disposals
Plumbing
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Books
Communication
Language
Reading/Writing
Bookstore
Mystery novels
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Entertainment
Burlap sacks
Musicals
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Books
Communication
Reading/Writing
Autobiographies
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict
Crime
Situations
Reenactments
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Food/Drink
Games
Starving
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Situations
Geese
Pillow fight
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Science/Weather
Speed
Zebras
The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Games
Places
Australia
Boomarangs
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink
Fruit baskets
Gifts
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Death
Futons
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication
Language
Things
Jackhammers
I’ve never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Reading/Writing
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