Author: Demetri Martin Page 4

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games People

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Fights Food/Drink

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Work

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said “Guess.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things