Author: Demetri Martin Page 4

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian

‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian

‘Finger Puppet’ sounds OK as a noun.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian