Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Demetri Martin Page 4
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating
Food/Drink
Questions
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Games
Health
Charades
Heart attacks
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs
God
People
Hippies
Rain
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Intelligence
Wisdom
Aprons
‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Work
Losers
Winners
I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Government
President
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Emotions
Food/Drink
Things
Pies
Trains
I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations
ATMs
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Things
Sliding glass doors
When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Language
Anteater
Ants
Name
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Things
Batteries
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication
Language
Braille
Dots
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Jigsaw puzzles
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Health
Insults
Situations
Casts
Injuries
I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Protection
Vests
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating
Relationships
Things
Cologne
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
People
Self
Situations
‘Finger Puppet’ sounds OK as a noun.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication
Language
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Past
Things
Time
Digital camera
Reminisce
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication
Language
Time
Fortnight
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