Author: Dylan Moran

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies – 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I’m not a fighter, I’m a bleeder.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

The sun—you live about three quarters of a mile from it.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

The country where they invented bacon flavor mouthwash.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You look like a horse in a man costume.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhea!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city; so is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

He's had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

It sounds like typewriters eating tin foil being kicked down the stairs.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first thing you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Bagpipes covered in hair.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: ‘Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I didn't know it was yours… yeah, I'll replace it sometime… with my stuff.’

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I've seen insects walking around with kneepads.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

What's he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%; is he coming round at night, with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you that you’ve lost weight?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Fruit… it's just God showing off… “Look at all the colors I know!”

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex; men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
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