Author: Dylan Moran

The sun—you live about three quarters of a mile from it.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

He's had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive; I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

The country where they invented bacon flavor mouthwash.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex; men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

It sounds like typewriters eating tin foil being kicked down the stairs.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies – 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

That's still how Irish people are seen, as twinkly-eyed f**kers with a pig under their arm, high-stepping it around the world, going 'I'll paint your house now, but watch out, I might steal the ladder later, ohohoho!' – which is only half true!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

What's he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%; is he coming round at night, with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you that you’ve lost weight?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

He’s so f**king crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: ‘Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I didn't know it was yours… yeah, I'll replace it sometime… with my stuff.’

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Bagpipes covered in hair.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I’m not a fighter, I’m a bleeder.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

You're supposed to eat the cows; they're great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
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