Author: Ed Byrne

Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion?
Byrne: I was sober.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

I have two boys, 5 and 6… we’re no good at naming things in our house.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family Wordplay

I thought about giving up smoking, but decided not to – I’m not a quitter.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Activities

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Books Communication Death Reading/Writing

As my mother always says, “If you have to swear to get laughs, then you’re obviously a c**t.”

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Communication Emotions Laughter Speech

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Democracy Government People

I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but it takes ten minutes to smoke it… that’s a five-minute net gain!

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Activities

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family