Author: Emo Phillips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I ran three miles today… finally I said, ‘Lady take your ‘purse.'

(1956 – ) American comedian

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass; the refill contained the antidote.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian

T-shirts that get you out of jury duty will not get you through air port security.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited and… placing bets.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian