Author: Emo Phillips

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

(1956 – ) American comedian

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body; then I realized who was telling me this.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it; I said, ‘Thyroid problems?’

(1956 – ) American comedian

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I'm a great lover… I bet.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian