Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Emo Phillips Page 2
Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat; both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Miscellaneous
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships
Self
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage
Wives
England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
England
People
Places
Self
I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations
Hitchhikers
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
People
Self
Sex
Classmates
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs
Religion
On Evolution vs. Intelligent Design
Theories
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass; the refill contained the antidote.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink
Lemonade Stand
Poison
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms
Conflict
Time
Nuclear weapons
You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics
Communication
Language
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities
Animals
Sleep
Alone
Exterminator
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Death
People
Capital punishment
Imprisonment
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities
Clothing
Sex
Things
Women
Dress up
Nazi costume
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Family
Parents
Reading/Writing
School
Going away party
Letters
Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication
Speech
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Age
Life
Sex
Appreciation
Childhood
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Life
Time
Chewing
Mornings
Straps
My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited and… placing bets.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Family
People
Self
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Conflict
Killing
Life
People
Time
Devil
Loved one
Toughest time in life
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication
Death
Family
Language
Last words
Grandfathers
Truck
My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Government
Politics
Brains
Democrats
Heart
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