Author: Emo Phillips Page 2

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat; both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

(1956 – ) American comedian

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass; the refill contained the antidote.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

(1956 – ) American comedian

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited and… placing bets.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

(1956 – ) American comedian