Author: Fran Lebowitz

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I am not… totally unreceptive to color providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

All God’s children are not beautiful; most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that is sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

You’re only has good as your last haircut.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If people don’t want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Polite conversation is rarely either.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist













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