Author: Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra; in real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I believe in talking behind peoples’ backs; that way, they hear it more than once.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The best fame is a writer’s fame: it’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that is sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

To the French, lying is simply talking.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

All God’s children are not beautiful; most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist