Author: Fran Lebowitz

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract – teach him to deduct.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Polite conversation is rarely either.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra; in real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

You’re only has good as your last haircut.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My theory [is] that modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and that it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If people don’t want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The opposite of talking isn't listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist













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