Author: Fran Lebowitz

To the French, lying is simply talking.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract – teach him to deduct.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that is sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I am not… totally unreceptive to color providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
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