Author: Fred Allen

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

California is a nice place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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