Author: Fred Allen

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

California is a nice place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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