Author: Fred Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian