Author: Fred Allen

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

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