Author: Fred Allen

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian













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