Author: Fred Allen

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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