Author: Fred Allen

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

California is a nice place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian