Author: Fred Allen

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Communication Money

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Education Law Money School

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Entertainment Hollywood Places

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Music Religion

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Situations Sleep

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Intelligence Memory

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Hollywood Places Success

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People Success

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Sex

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults Intelligence

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Acting Entertainment Success

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment People Television

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Men People Women

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People