Author: Fred Allen

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

California is a nice place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian













The Animal Rescue Site

src=”http://www.theliteracysite.com/clickToGive/images/content/linktous_lit_medium.jpg” alt=”The Literacy Site” border=”0″ />