Author: Gary Delaney

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I’m going to kill him with my bear hands.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time…. then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
People Self Sex

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Places

I often confuse Americans and Canadians… by using long words.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
America Canada People Places

The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages; at least, I think that’s what he said… it all just sounded like “haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication England Language Places

Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that the fewer people want to talk to me.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication Speech

You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; but you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Places

Dave drowned; so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt; well, it’s what he would have wanted.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication Wordplay

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group… but it turns out that it’s tomorrow.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

My girlfriend called me at 11:00 this morning and said “I'm still in bed." … I said, “I know, I’ve had sex with you.”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Sex

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Health

Just seen the grave of the woman from My Fair Lady… it says ‘Here lies a Doolittle’.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication Wordplay

As a kid I was made to walk the plank… we couldn’t afford a dog.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication Wordplay

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped… so presumably it got better.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker… well voyeur was the actual word she used, but there’s no need to split hairs is there?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
People Self

I took a positive thinking course… it was shit.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Education Learning

Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retired.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication Wordplay

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one: She was livid… “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Wordplay

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
People Wordplay

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today… unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication Wordplay