Author: George Burns

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

He was so cheap, for example, that when Mary asked for diamonds for her birthday he bought her two of them… the eight and the queen.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Jack was so cheap that instead of bringing his date flowers, he brought her seeds.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

If it's a good script I'll do it; and if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I personally stay away from natural foods; at my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Jack Benny would end his act by playing a tune on his violin, so naturally he got a big cheer when he finished.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

First of all you've got to have talent, and then you've got to marry her like I did.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Georgie believed in democracy, and he felt that everybody had a right to an opinion… his.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Milton's act was every bit as good as Jessel's or Cantor's; in fact, it wasn't only just as good, it was the same.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
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