Author: George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Eddie had so much energy he made coffee beans jumpy.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

It’s good to be here… but at 98, it’s good to be anywhere.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

First you forget names, then you forget faces… next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I love to sing; I love to drink scotch… most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

How can I die, I'm booked.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

At my age flowers scare me.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

That's where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down; I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer













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