Author: George Burns

If it's a good script I'll do it; and if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Georgie believed in democracy, and he felt that everybody had a right to an opinion… his.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Nobody ever had to steal Georgie's affections – he gave them away at the drop of a skirt.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Once he was introduced as "The man who always steals the show – one joke at a time."

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

That's where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down; I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I think Jessel’s philosophy about golf was something like: If all you’re going to do is chase the ball, why hit it in the first place?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Jack Benny would end his act by playing a tune on his violin, so naturally he got a big cheer when he finished.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I personally stay away from natural foods; at my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Over a fifteen-year period Jack raised almost $6,000,000 for the benefit of classical music; of course, a lot of people claimed that that was his way of paying for the damage he'd caused it.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer