Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
Home
About
Categories
Activities
Age
Animals
Appearance
Beliefs
Characteristics
Communication
Conflict
Death
Education
Emotions
Entertainment
Family
Food/Drink
Government
Health
Intelligence
Life
Marriage
Miscellaneous
Money
People
Places
Problems
Relationships
Science/Weather
Sex
Situations
Sports
Success
Things
Time
Work
Additional Categories
Book Titles
Confucius say
Definitions
Epitaphs
Exaggerations
Expressions
Hollywood Squares
Insults
Last Words
Murphy's Laws
Place Names
Proverbs
Reviews/Criticism
Song Titles
Tom Swifties
TV/Movie Quotes
Oops...
Bushisms
Church Bulletins
Classified Ads
Colemanballs
Headlines
Malaprops
Misspokements
Signs
Translations
Yogi-isms
Some Popular Authors
Abraham Lincoln
Alfred E. Neuman
Ambrose Bierce
Benjamin Franklin
Dave Barry
Demetri Martin
Dorothy Parker
Emo Phillips
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
H.L. Mencken
Homer Simpson
Jeff Foxworthy
Jimmy Carr
Joan Rivers
Mae West
Mark Twain
Mitch Hedberg
Oscar Wilde
Phyllis Diller
Richard Lewis
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Stewart Francis
W.C. Fields
Will Rogers
Woody Allen
View All Authors
Author: George Burns Page 2
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication
Insults
People
Criticism
Critics
Uselessness
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Emotions
Family
Happiness
Relationships
Close-knit family
In another city
The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal
Money
Jack Benny
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Old
Things
Shoelaces
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Relationships
Situations
Affection
Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Entertainment
Old
Work
Retirement
Show business
That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance
Hair
People
Situations
Jack Benny
Eddie had so much energy he made coffee beans jumpy.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics
Eddie Cantor
Energy
He was so cheap, for example, that when Mary asked for diamonds for her birthday he bought her two of them… the eight and the queen.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities
Frugal
Money
Cards
Jewelry
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Work
Retirement
First of all you've got to have talent, and then you've got to marry her like I did.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics
Success
Talent
Wife Gracie Allen
Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Music
Success
Things
Ability
Celebrity
Violin
If it's a good script I'll do it; and if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Film
Money
Scripts
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Acting
Characteristics
Entertainment
Honesty
Faking
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Law
Old
Birthdays
Once he was introduced as "The man who always steals the show – one joke at a time."
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Milton Berle stealing jokes
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Old
People
Respect my elders
Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics
Self
Humility
Jack Benny
Milton's act was every bit as good as Jessel's or Cantor's; in fact, it wasn't only just as good, it was the same.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Jokes
Milton Berle stealing jokes
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Books
Communication
Reading/Writing
Page 2 of 3
« Previous
1
2
3
Next »