Author: George Carlin

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
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