Author: George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author













The Hunger Site