Author: George Carlin

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

"No comment" is a comment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

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