Author: George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I like Florida… everything is in the 80's… the temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

What year did Jesus think it was?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author













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