Author: George Carlin

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Is there another word for synonym?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author