Author: George Carlin Page 2

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Appearance

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Entertainment People Places

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs Food/Drink

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Communication Language Truth

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Book Titles

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Age Characteristics Old

Is there another word for synonym?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Failure Success

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Ideas Intelligence Language

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Conflict Killing People

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Life People

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Drugs God People

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Age Old

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Eating Food/Drink People

"No comment" is a comment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language Money

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Fights