Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Disoriented Oriental Spin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Things Sweat Worry

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Death People Drown Synchronized swimmer

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Bathrooms Dinner parties

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Old Bible Exams

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

America Places

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Chinese Names

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Money Broker

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Autos Things Deer Road sign

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Entertainment People Places Audiences Stage

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Eulogies Listening

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music Hearing

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Sports Swimming

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Honesty Dishonesty

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Forest rangers Vacation

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Men People Situations Women

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Evil

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Hypothetical Questions

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humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?