Author: Gracie Allen

When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

When my mother had to get dinner for eight she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Gracie : Breakfast will be ready in six minutes.
George Edwards: Six minutes?
Gracie: Yeah, I just put on two three minute eggs.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

You speak it the same way you speak English, you just use different words.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

I'm sorry, boys, I’m all wet.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

This recipe is certainly silly; it says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

There's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Love is a lot like a backache… it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

[on phone] No, the doctor isn’t in just now. Oh, he won’t be back for a long, long time. He went out on one of those eternity cases.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

A sexagenarian? At his age? I think that’s disgusting!

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

I spent three of the happiest years of my life in the fifth grade.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)