Author: Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Say, when do they begin?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Why should I do anything for posterity? … what has posterity ever done for me?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host













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