Author: Groucho Marx

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You’ve got the brain of a four year old boy… and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Women should be obscene and not heard.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Room service? … send up a larger room.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Does it have a happy ending?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Madame Swempski: I don’t like this innuendo.

Groucho: That’s what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host