Author: Groucho Marx

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

P.S. Did you ever notice that ‘Peter O'Toole’ is a double-phallic name?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You’ve got the brain of a four year old boy… and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Say, when do they begin?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Room service? … send up a larger room.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

She’s upstairs filing her teeth.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

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