Author: Groucho Marx

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You’re just wasting your breath, and that’s no great loss either.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

There's a man outside with a big black mustache; tell him I've got one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Why don't you trade in your head for a bowling ball?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning; old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host













The Hunger Site