Author: Groucho Marx Page 3

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean… flee to my lodge in the hills.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You can leave in a taxi… If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff… if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints… they’re upstairs in my socks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host