Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Groucho Marx Page 3
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence
Situations
Understanding
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Beliefs
Characteristics
Eyes
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations
TV/Movie Quotes
As Captain Spaulding in “Animal Crackers”
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage
Alimony
Income tax
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid?
You bet I'm afraid!
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes
In “Monkey Business”
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People
Self
Clubs
Organizations
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities
TV/Movie Quotes
In “Monkey Business”
Parties
I hope they bury me near a straight man.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death
Emotions
Buried
Humor
Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions
Love
Money
Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age
Animals
Books
Communication
Dogs
Intelligence
Reading/Writing
Relationships
Situations
Juries
Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean… flee to my lodge in the hills.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes
In “Monkey Business”
Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes
In “Monkey Business”
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People
Birth
Democrats
Republicans
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage
Wives
Hearing aids
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating
Food/Drink
Reality
You can leave in a taxi… If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff… if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes
As Rufus T. Firefly in “Duck Soup”
Leaving
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities
Animals
Food/Drink
Vegetarianism
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults
TV/Movie Quotes
As Captain Spaulding in “Animal Crackers”
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints… they’re upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes
As Otis B. Driftwood in “A Night at the Opera”
When asked for identification
My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication
Poems
How would you like to feel the way she looks?
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Insults
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