Author: Groucho Marx Page 3

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

With a little study you’ll go a long ways… and I wish you’d start now.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Things Women

It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Wordplay

You’re just wasting your breath, and that’s no great loss either.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Money

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning; old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Definitions Old

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

Anyone can get old; all you have to do is live long enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at storks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Madame Swempski: I don’t like this innuendo.

Groucho: That’s what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations