Author: Henny Youngman

Room service has an unlisted number.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Insults Marriage

While playing golf today I hit two good balls… I stepped on a rake.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Golf Sports

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Baseball Sports

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family Work

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Food/Drink Old

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one; it didn't come in until half-past five.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Sports

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Wives Wordplay

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Happiness Marriage

Bore: A guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
People

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Clothing Marriage

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Honesty Marriage Truth Wives

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Places Wives

I live so far out of town, the mailman mails me my letters.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places